I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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