also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
