Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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