I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
