Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
