if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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