I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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