i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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