I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
