Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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