god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
