he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
