so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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