why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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