Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
