i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
