Are we in a gay sports bar?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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