girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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