My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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