just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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