if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
