look no pants
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
