im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
