Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
