Umm I'm too high to move.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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