I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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