I'm sorry my penis didn't work
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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