in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
