in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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