I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
