Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Say something about gay babies.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
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He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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