Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
