If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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