his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
