I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
