Yo dont text me then not text me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
