You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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