First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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