What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
