"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
