My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
