dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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