Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
