oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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