Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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