Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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