I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you had me at cake vodka
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
