Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
