i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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