Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
