Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
