I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
