Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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