If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think I am morally bankrupt
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.