i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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