lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
