I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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