I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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