shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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