Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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