I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think I just sharted jello shots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
