god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
