if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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