I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
