know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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